Thursday, September 22, 2005

Nursing home for the old man

My grandparents called from Florida. It seems they heard from my uncle that my brother Steven had gotten a tattoo, and they were not too happy about it. My father, their son was in for an earful! I said hello to my grandma and quickly handed off the phone to my dad. Grandma didn’t sound too happy. Tee hee heee it’s so nice when you’re parents are reverted to childhood just by the sound of their parent’s voice.

This is my brothers first tattoo. It’s a nice one, on his upper arm easily concealed. No big thing. Mom didn’t want him to get it she preferred for him to wait until he was older but since my dad had given his approval her opinion was moot. I have five tattoos myself, but my grandparents only know about 1 the one I got when I graduated from high school. They weren’t too happy about it when I got it but since it’s on my shoulder blade, they didn’t put up too much of a fuss. After that I’ve gotten 4 more, a couple of which are kind of large on my upper arms. They know nada about these.

I could tell my grandma was flipping on dad by the way he twisted his body to the side. Holding the phone slightly away from his ear, like she was pelting him with words and he was trying to dodge them. I guess grandma couldn’t say enough because next thing you know my grandpa is on the phone. My dad was laughing his nervous laugh, looking at the floor. “But pop it’s not a bad thing it doesn’t mean what it used to, now a days it’s considered art.” I heard my dad say. Everybody has them it’s not a big deal. Then I saw my father glance my way and my heart fell to my ass. Oh God no please tell me this man is not going to shout me out… leave me out of this old man! He’s talking about Stevie not Mia… Please do not let this man go there please do not let him use me to prove his point.. for the love of all that is sacred and holy let him get struck down with laryngitis right now….nooooooooooo man nooooo don’t do it…. was the thought bubble that hung over my head.

In my family I am considered the responsible one. I am the eldest grandchild. The one my grandparents hold up as an example to the other grandkids… oh crap this was going to go down bad for me…

Dad: Pop it’s not so bad.. it’s only one small tattoo..it’s not like he wants more.. Mia has five.. umm yeah pop she has five… Mia it’s five right and you’re getting another one right?

Mia: shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh old man hush yo’ mouth!! I have no idea of what you’re talking about.

I ran to the other room to get my mother.

Mia: Mommy! Papi’s gone crazy he’s confessing about my tattoos to grandpa Willie!! Come here woman I need you!

Mom: What?!!!

I swear to god I see a nursing home in that man’s future. Mom went over to my dad and tapped him on the shoulder.

Mom (whispering): you told your parents about Mia’s tattoos what are you NUTS?!

My dad sensing his opportunity to flee held onto my mom’s hand and very quickly tells his father to hold on that my mom wants to talk to him. He practically threw the phone at my mom and ran out the room laughing like some escaped demented bastard.

Mom: Umm hello Willie how’s it going? No, no it wasn’t me it was your son his gave his permission. I told them both no. It was a father son thing.

I couldn’t make out what my grandfather was saying but I sure could hear the sound of his voice on the other end. Feeling a little brave I sidle up to my mother and listen in on what’s being said.

Grandpa: Maggie you know the only people that get tattoos are people who are in jail or are in gangs.

Mom: But Willie she’s not in a gang or prison what’s the big deal? I know but this is not the 1950’s man times have changed since you were a kid and dinosaurs roamed the earth. It’s not like she has satanic symbols tattooed or looks like a biker babe.

I remind my mother that my grandfather has a few tattoos himself.

Mom: You know Willie you’re a decent guy and you’ve got a couple pf tattoos too.

Grandpa: Maggie I was in a gang, or did you forget?

Mom: Well that was you, you’re grand daughter is different.

Grandpa: People will think bad of her and she cant join the military now if she wanted too.

Mia: I don’t plan on joining the army!

Grandpa: Maggie is that her? Put her on the phone.

I retreat away from the phone. I gesture wildly at my mom. No way in hell am I going to pick that sucker up and deal with a pissed off grandfather.

Mom: She just left the room.

God I love that woman. No nursing home for her that’s for sure. She will have servants catering to her every need! This woman will wear silk “depends”, she will even have an official denture washer ! I hear grandpa let out a huge sigh, I imagine he’s running his fingers through his hair the same way my dad does when he is exasperated. It’s a miracle he isn’t bald.

Grandpa: ok so what’s the damage what does she have?

Mom: Egyptian ankh, shoulder blade, 1 fairy each upper arm, tragedy/ comedy masks chest, fairy in lotus position on back of neck.

There’s silence on both ends he must be running his fingers through his hair again, I imagine he’s looking up at the ceiling the way he does when he’s angry like the light bulb holds the answer to all of life’s dilemmas.

Grandpa: Okay tell her I said no more.

Mom: You got it sir. So how’s everything going?

My grandfather takes the hint and the conversation changes. I leave the room and find my brother Steven and my dad laughing hysterically. It seems that my 5 tattoos took precedence over his one tattoo and my grandparents have forgotten about his for now he and my dad are off the hook.

Oh yeah man I see a nursing home in that old man’s future for sure.

Labels: dad

Posted by @ 8:08 PM
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