Mia: Shaken Not Stirred

The true life stories of a NYC female.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Way To Go Bruno!

My folks had gone off in search of cream cheese and I was left in front of the dairy case trying to decide what size container of ricotta we needed. A man approached the case, “Patty do we need any mozzarella?” “Yes!” his wife called from several feet away.

He grabbed a package of mozzarella and frowned when he couldn’t find the price sticker. “They’re on sale both the Polly-O and the Sorrento, 1.99 for the one pound package.” the elderly woman said looking up from her Pathmark flyer. “Thank you” the man said as he reached for three more packages. She noticed my tattoo and reached up to touch it and smiled warmly at me. She appeared to be somewhere in her 80’s and was a tiny thing several inches shorter than me, a white cap of curly hair framing her face. She must have been a beauty when she was younger.

“Did it hurt girly?” she asked.

“No m’am this one didn’t the one over my breast hurt like a mother though” I replied.

“Let me have a look at it.” She said. I bent over and pulled the neck of my t-shirt away from my skin to give her a look.

“Oh that’s lovely. Comedy and tragedy masks. You have a very nice rack by the way.”

I laughed, I just had to.

“Thank you.” I said.

She looked down at her bosom and shrugged her shoulders. “I remember when these were pert and perky just like yours.” She said.

“Enjoy them while your young girly.”

“I’ll try to m’am.”

She turned her attention back to the man and his shopping cart.

“You’re a good man doing the shopping for your wife.”

“You see this girly,” she said addressing me, “this is the type of man you need to find for yourself.”

Yes, m’am.” I replied putting the ricotta in my shopping cart.

“You should tell that to my wife. I always do the shopping” the man said.

His wife approached and smiled sweetly at the old woman.

“You’ve got yourself a good man there lady, in my day men wouldn’t be caught dead doing the shopping for their wives.”

The man put his hand gently on the old woman’s shoulder.

“See Patty she’s my number one fan!” Patty gave him a playful smirk.

“He should do something for me, I gave him 5 kids!”

“Five kids?!” The old woman gasped and a mischievous look filled her eyes. She nudged the husband’s side with her elbow.

“Oh you so like to play hide the wiener huh?”

Holy Monkey! Did that sweet old lady just say ‘ hide the wiener’?

I nearly dropped the package of mozzarella I’d just picked up. Patty gasped and blushed furiously from her cheeks all the way to her scalp it seemed. Patty’s husband simply laughed.

“Oh look how red she turned. Yes, Patty likes to play hide the wiener. Five wasn’t enough for her she still wants more.” The old lady cackled obviously pleased with the reaction she’d gotten.

“That’s nothing to be ashamed of my dear. Passion is important in a marriage. You hear that girly?” She said this time addressing me.

“Yes m’am. I gotcha. Passion. Important."

“Just don’t over do it Patty, like I did. Men aren’t strong like us women.”

Patty opened her eyes wide looking at me as if I had any clue to what the old woman was saying. I didn’t.

“I killed him.”

thoughts of homicidal elderly women shades of Arsenic and Old Lace ran through my mind.

“Killed who?” Patty’s husband warily asked.

“My husband, I killed him with my passion.”

“Did you now?” He asked.

“Oh yes, I was riding him…”

Patty and I stared at each others our mouths dropping open, our thoughts judging from our facial expressions in perfect sync.

Oh shit!

The old woman seemed oblivious to our reaction. Patty was shocked and I was just struggling not let loose the laughter I felt rumbling in my chest.

“And he died right there, right under me,” the old woman continued, “he came and left at the same time.”

I clamped my hand over my mouth to keep myself from laughing. I liked this old lady.

“Not a bad way to go though.” Patty’s husband said.

“Yeah but now at the age of 88 I’m all alone.” She sighed.

“I’m so sorry. How long has it been since he died” Patty asked.

“He died six months ago.”

Hold up six months ago, this old lay was still doing the Mc Nasty at the age of 88?! Holy freaking Monkey. Awesome.

“I miss him terribly. Nobody could ring my doorbell the way Bruno did and he did it without the help of that damn Viagra pill.” She said proudly.

Patty’s husband raised his eyebrows he was impressed.

“Way to go Bruno!” Patty’s husband said raising his eyes reverently to the ceiling.


Posted by @ 8:08 PM
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