Saturday, May 06, 2006

Life Lesson: E-mail and Merlot Don't Mix


I love the TLC commercials featuring the “life lessons” figurines. I recently saw the E-mail and Merlot don’t mix commercial and it reminded me of one of the most hysterical moments in my life. My friend and her boyfriend had a hella mega wicked knock down free for all kick ass argument. It was about to turn into the ugliest break up in the history of mankind. Now everyone knows that the remedy for a situation like that is to call all of your girlfriends and have them bring over some ice cream and watch a sappy movie and have a good cry. However this is El Bronx, that stuff don’t rock out here, that’s strictly WB 7th Heaven stuff. El Bronx heffas are hard core, they've been through the pain of failed relationships. They carry the scars and are damn bitter about it too. El Bronx heffas commiserate ghetto-style, Ben and Jerry’s Chunky Monkey is shunned in favor of Alize and Bacardi con Limon and anything else that will dull the senses. Sappy boo hoo chick flicks are banned, instead they whip out a deck of cards and play Poker or Spades. In between hands they down shots of Bacardi followed by some fruity drink. The evening is filled with badmouthing men, in particular the guy who has hurt the beloved home girl.

The call was made to The Bronx chapter of The Man Haters Association; they rode in from the four corners of El Bronx some came by livery cab others by bus and train. They arrived armed with enough cheese doodles, booze and man hatred to fuel a war of the sexes. The Man Haters Association meeting had been in full swing for several hours when my friend’s gaze came to rest on her WebTV box. She decided that she wanted to pour her feelings out to him. Pour her feelings out to him via e-mail. The problem was that she was drunk out of her mind. We all tried to talk her out of it telling her to wait until she was at least sober, but she wasn’t listening.

One of the cool things about WebTV was the way you could hook up your email signature to look like web pages. The background to her email signature was black and there was a dancing macaroni that was doing the Macarena as Ricky Martin’s Cup of Life played. She sat down in front of her key board and went to work.The more she got into it the more she cried and the more booze she swallowed. It was a vicious cycle of words and Bacardi. Her eyes were all puffy, her nose was red and her drunken ass could barely keep her balance on the chair. Her facial moisturizer was the snot and tears that were running down her face simultaneously. As bad as I felt for her I was fascinated by the dancing macaroni, I couldn’t take my eyes off of it.

Needless to say the next day she regretted sending the email out to her ex boyfriend. I don’t remember much of what happened afterwards except she cried for weeks but man oh man I remember every detail of that dancing macaroni down to the color of the gloves on the hands at the end of his little spindly arms. To this day whenever I hear the opening strains of “ Cup of Life” I picture the dancing macaroni in my head and it makes me laugh.

Labels: advice

Posted by @ 12:01 PM
4 comment from:  DannieS72,  Mr. Khurram,  2 Second Club ®,  Mia,