Saturday, July 11, 2009

Pay Back is a Short Woman Named Mia


Oh good you’re awake!” mom said as she entered my bedroom.
“Barely” I mumbled.
“I got this message at 5:30 this morning. It’s obviously for you.”
“Me?” I asked as she thrusted her phone at me.


Several months ago I gave my mother my cell phone. Occasionally s she gets a call or a text message here and there from people who I haven’t heard from in close to forever.
I read the message...

“Mi amore I miss you so fuckin much.
Hope u alright n god I wanna go back home.
Oh mia mia mia u gotta stop torturing me like this
When you gonna let me marry u”

“Well?” she said as she handed me a cup of coffee. The woman is a goddess she knows I can’t think without that first cup.

I took a sip and then slowly shook my head, “I have no clue who this is.”

“Are you serious, just how many men other than the Yeti want to marry you?”

“That have this number?”

“Mia honestly!”

“What ma can I help it if I’m popular?”

She gave me “the look”. I shrugged my shoulders and gave her a big smile.

“Ma I was joking… swear to God I was joking!”

She walked away shaking her head mumbling she’d raised a miniature female Casanova. That by the way is so far from the truth in glows in the dark. I messaged the number back and included my new number. A few minutes later I got a call.

“What do you mean who is this?” the English accented voice said.

“Hey! What do you mean what do I mean? You know what I mean. That’s not your number and you messaged my mother’s cell phone!”

“Yeah well darling I left my phone back home in London and I couldn’t remember your new number and I couldn’t go another two weeks without talking to you. I figured your mum would give you the message.”

“Where are you anyway?”

“ Dubai, I told you weeks ago I had to make this trip.”

“Ahhh…”

“You forgot?”

“Yeah I did. Sorry. So how’s the trip?”

“Bloody awful. I am bored out of my mind and I miss you terribly.”

“Dude you’re in Dubai how could you possibly be bored?”

“Easy, all my hosts do is eat and pray. I’ve gained weight, my jeans are fitting me tight and my bloody forehead is getting rug burns from touching the carpet every time I pray.

“Well some women find that sexy. The rug burn on the forehead thing. I’m not saying I’m one of them mind you. ”

“Mia I can’t believe you didn’t know it was me! How many men do you have proposing marriage?”

“At my old number or this one?”

He let out an exasperated sigh.

“Why do I bother asking?”

“Because you live for my smart ass replies?”

“That was a rhetorical question Mia.”

“Oh well that my friend was a rhetorical response.”

His laughter rumbled over the phone and as I listened to it I couldn’t help but laugh as well. Even though my infatuated friend had my mom mistakenly thinking I was a some sort of player I was glad to hear from him. Besides payback is a short woman named Mia.

Labels: friends, phone

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Posted by @ 1:34 AM
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Friday, July 03, 2009

What Is The Perfect Outfit To Wear When An Inmate Invites You Out To Dinner?

Terminating a relationship with a client is a bit like breaking up with someone. My official unofficial mentor had suggested I take the easy way out and do it over the phone. I thought about it but my conscience wouldn’t allow it so I got my ‘it’s me not you’ speech together as I headed out to the prison.


Technically he wasn’t really my client. I had taken over the case as a favor and had only seen him twice when I was informed that I was off the case because there was nothing he needed that we could offer him. As soon as he came in he gave me some good news it seems an error was allowing him to be released from prison earlier than anyone had anticipated as early as the next day. Great, I thought to myself I won’t have to terminate you’re on your way out. It seems that the inmate had other ideas about termination.

“How about you let me take you out to dinner when I get out?” he asked.

That was a surprise. “I don’t go out with clients.” I quickly replied.

“Aw come on I’m not your client anymore.”

“I have a boyfriend.”

“So? He doesn’t have to know.”

His eyes lingered over my face and then dipped to my chest. It wasn’t the first time I’d caught him doing that. I wrapped my sweater tighter around myself and quickly changed the subject. We discussed his future plans some of which were sure to get him back in jail. I warned him against doing what he had planned. After several minutes he tried hitting on me again.

“What would it take for you to give a guy like me a chance?” he asked.

“Like I said I have a boyfriend.”

“You never wear your hair down.”

“No it’s too hot for that.” I replied.

“Wear your hair down for me.”


I shook my head, this is not happening. This is so not happening.


“Mia, wear your hair down for me.” He repeated.

“Oh no no my man trust me you don’t want that. It’s hot and humid and these curls have no business being let down. Trust me on this. It could get scary.”

“Come on Mia let me take you out. We’ll have fun. We can do Blue Fairy together. “

Wonderful an offer of dinner and entertainment. Be still my foolish heart. Blue Fairy for those not in the know is a drug made with formaldehyde.

“Are you seriously offering me drugs?”

“Are you wearing a wire?” he asked and attempted to peer down my t-shirt. I tugged on the black cord around my neck and produced my necklace. I attempted a little levity as I got up and opened the door to where the CO was standing outside just in case I needed help.

if he get’s stupid go for the throat then the nuts .

“No wire here just this necklace.” I said as I walked back towards him.

“That’s nice your boyfriend give it you?”

“No a friend in New Zealand sent it to me.”

“We could really have fun together.”

“ I don’t do drugs.”

“You really should let your hair down for me. I’d love to see you with your hair down.”

“I don’t think so.”

“Why won’t you go out with me?”

let me list the reasons… not desperate enough…wrong…unethical.

“I’m not a bad looking guy.”

this is so not happening to me.

“I don’t date younger men.”

“How old are you ?”

“26”

“Really you look way younger. My girlfriend is 27.”

this would be the girlfriend you physically abused? Betcha she’s re-thinking the decision to date you.

“We broke up yesterday.” He added just in case I thought he was a cheater in addition to a violent drug addicted felon charged with statutory rape.

smart woman.

He continued to attempt to sweet talk me for several more minutes. As he talked I made a note to contact his lawyer. I felt he needed to be seen by his psychiatrist. Judging from the way he was acting and what he was saying I got the impression that the 24 year old bipolar man was going through a maniac stage.

“Let your hair down.”

I stood up and gathered my things to leave. I explained that I had to see another client and wished him well. As I made my way back to the office I called my official unofficial supervisor and told her what had happened. Naturally she felt it her duty to tease me about it.

“So what are you going to wear for your date?” she inquired.

“I was thinking of getting an orange dress to match his jumpsuit.”

“Orange is not your color my dear, stay away from the orange.”

“So what is the perfect outfit to wear when an inmate invites you out to dinner?”

Labels: legal aid

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Monday, June 29, 2009

Thanks For The Music MJ

I was sitting in the back row of a crowded auditorium waiting for my brother’s graduation ceremony to start when it was announced that Michael Jackson had died. Immediately the noise died down, people couldn’t believe it. Judging from the crowd’s reaction it was obvious that he had touched all of us with his music.


I was six or seven years old when my mom came home one day with MJ’s then latest album. One song on the album stuck with me. “Man in the Mirror" touched me on a level I can’t even begin to adequately describe. At the time NYC was grappling with a huge homeless situation. Programs that are in place now didn’t exist then on the level that they do now. It wasn’t uncommon for me to see dozens of homeless people in the course of one day. Like the adults on the streets around me I pretended not to notice them. I’d actually get embarrassed whenever my parents would walk up to the homeless and place a freshly brought meal or a couple of dollars in their hands.

When I heard the song a second time that day I got the feeling that I was supposed to do more than just listen. I had the feeling that there was a lesson in there for me waiting to be learned. Listening to the MJ sing about the man in the mirror made me realize that I had the power to make a change in the world, well at least my world. I was a very mature kid. The very next day I began making changes. My mom has often said that the song pointed me in the direction of helping others. I don’t know if that’s true but I do know that the song had a huge impact on the way a kid looked at the world around her.


Say what you will about Michael Jackson but the man was a musical genius and his impact on the world of music and dance can’t ever be denied. How many of us didn’t try to moonwalk? I still get the creeps when ever I see the Thriller video and I still sing along anytime I hear a Jackson 5 tune. I know there’s a lot of talk about his personal life but you know what right now I don’t want to hear that. Let’s turn down the chatter and pump up the music. Music was his gift to the world everything else in between is between him and his god. I hope he finds peace at last. I for one will be eternally grateful for the gift of his music.

Labels: man in the mirror, michael jackson, music

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Saturday, June 27, 2009

Hari Huritau Frum!

Happy, happy birthday! Let's make it one to remember go out there and party!
Yes I know it's tomorrow but you're so sweet I had to get a jump on it. Happyyyyy Birthday!

Labels: Happy Birthday

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Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Smart women. Stupid man.

The argument was vicious, plenty of name calling and ill will was being flung out into the night. Thankfully they were mature enough not to take it to a physical level. The last thing I wanted to see was a couple of middle aged women throwing haymakers in the middle of the street. The women were arguing over a man, a man who was no where to be found. Smart man. Stupid women.


“Well he told me you were a lesbian!” the tall woman yelled.

The smaller woman gasped and sputtered. “I’ve never been gay in my life!” she yelled back.

That statement seemed to get the tall woman thinking. It was time to compare notes she said. Minutes later they were leaning against a car smoking and bonding. By their second cigarette they’d decided that the stupid man wasn't worthy of them.

Besides the taller woman added, “he’s got a small dick and can’t fuck for shit!"

"and he’s a premature ejaculator!” the smaller woman added for good measure.

The taller woman knowingly nodded her head and gave the other woman a high five. They called and left a message on his voice mail since he refused to answer their calls. He was no longer wanted in their lives or welcomed in their homes and they deserved better they informed him.

Smart women. Stupid man.

Labels: new york, women

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Tuesday, June 23, 2009

No Touching Allowed

Crystal and I eased into the cab grateful to be out of the Atlanta heat. “Do you know the way to Swinging Richard’s?”, we asked. The cab driver nodded and looked us over. Now what are two nice girls like you going to that den of inequity for ? his expression seemed to say. It was obvious to us he didn't approve of the place.


When we got there the music was pumpin’ and men were a strippin’. Juggling testicles without the use of ones hands by the way is an art form people. The men were great and the crowd was happy. But here’s the thing, after an hour or so you realize all dicks look alike. Seriously they do. Some may be slightly bent, bigger, darker, pinker, but in the end they all look alike. Women’s bodies have more variety to them. Now I know why the masters painted so many women nude in comparison to men. As this thought ran through my head I felt a hand on my ass. The hand palmed my cheek and gave it a good squeeze.

I whirled around with my fist raised. The only thing that kept me from punching the ass grabber in the face was the fact that he was an employee of the club. Somewhere in the back of my mind I recalled being told that the dancers were gay but I wasn’t too certain if that was true. If I had been 100 % certain that he was straight this story would have had a different ending. It would have been a repeat of the last time a stranger grabbed my ass. I decided to give this guy the benefit of the doubt and not deck him. Besides I thought the owner of the club is a friend of one of the Moning Maniacs I was meeting that night. I lowered my clenched fist and let it drop to my side.

“What the hell…excuse me what do you think you’re doing? ” I asked.

The ass grabber grinned at me, “You’ve got a great ass!”

“Thanks. “ I replied, “but at least introduce yourself before you start grabbing! Say hi or something!” He threw his head back and laughed.

“It’s really firm, hard to pinch.”

It’s hard to stay mad at someone who is complementing your ass. I’m saying if anyone is qualified to know what counts as a great ass it’s a gay guy right?

“Yeah well people have been known to bounce change off it.” I joked.

He smiled again and said "Hi" and then introduced himself to me. Unfortunately I didn’t catch his name. I noticed his nipple rings were gleaming. He must polish them I thought. Mines never gleamed like that. I was just about to ask him to repeat his name when he made a move to grab my ass again. I raised my hand in warning, “Uh- uh don’t do that again. I was told that the patrons aren’t allowed to touch the staff here. So if we’re not allowed to touch the staff then the staff isn’t allowed to touch the patrons.”

He laughed again and with his body language seemingly invited me to touch him. I shook my head no but it didn't stop him from making another grab for my ass. “Don’t do that.” I said. He frowned for a second and realized I was serious. He threw his hands up in defeat and laughed giving me a huge smile before disappearing into the crowd.

Labels: bar stories, machalo

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Thursday, June 18, 2009

Rude Guy

I was asked if I was willing to take on a new client one with a reputation for being difficult. He had managed to alienate everyone including my care bear of a supervisor when she visited him by telling her he didn’t want her assigned to his case he wanted someone younger. “He asked for a young, smart, funny social worker and he wants them to visit him twice a week.” “And naturally you thought of me.” I joked. My official unofficial supervisor shrugged her shoulders. “No one wants him huh?” I asked. “No” she said and added that if he rubbed me the wrong way I could turn him down as well. “You know this guy” she said, “he’s the one who would call for the other intern and hang up on us the minute we’d tell him she wasn’t here.” “Oh the rude guy!” I replied. “Yeah him.”


Knowing who he was and who his social worker had been made his list of requirements in a social worker understandable to me. His last social worker unlike me had been tall, model thin, leggy, blonde and had boobs that would cause many an insecure woman to weep with envy. Her flirtatious personality combined with her sexy wardrobe made men stand up and take notice. I looked at myself in the mirror… dark jeans, black Reeboks, t-shirt, auburn curls pulled back into a pony tail and no make-up. I stifled a giggle; I was so on the opposite end of what the client wanted in terms of a social worker. I was tomboy when what he wanted was girly fodder for some masturbation fantasy.

His face betrayed no emotion when the correctional officer brought him in to meet me. If he was disappointed with what he saw he kept it well hidden. I laid my cards on the table. “First off the bat I’m not Burger King I don’t do things your way. I don’t visit twice a week, once a week is all you’ll get from me. Number two, I’m here to help you and I don’t take no shit so don’t give me any and you and me we’ll be fine. Got it?” He smiled and nodded his head.

The rest of our visit went smoothly I managed to make him laugh a few times and the conversation flowed freely. I even managed to reprimand him for being rude to the other social workers who had visited him. When our visit was almost over I let him know that I wouldn’t be visiting him the following week because I was taking the week off. “If you need anything call the office and they will hook you up. Oh and don’t hang up on them just because I’m not there….I will hear about it. You got it rude guy?” He laughed and replied that he’d understood all I’d said and was ready to go by my rules. “Good boy,” I said and pointed to myself, “Alright then, my name’s Mia and I’ll be your social worker.” which for some reason caused him to burst out into laughter.

Labels: internship

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Monday, June 15, 2009

Terrorists Are Like Clowns and Santa Claus

Several years ago in a wtf were they thinking moment a couple of guys decided to pose for some pictures. The men were at a wrap party for a hip hop album they’d just produced when someone came up with this brilliant idea for some pictures! They borrowed some guns from the security staff, wrapped some shirts around their head and pretended to be terrorists. Yeah cause Lord knows terrorists are like clowns and Santa Claus, just the sight of them makes you break out in a smile.


A few days later one of the guys dropped off the roll of film to be developed, a couple of hours later the FBI were knocking on the guy’s door. Obviously the clerk who had developed the film at the local Wal-mart did not share the sound engineer’s sense of humor. He was taken into custody and questioned for a couple of days and then deported back to France. His photo buddy the record producer had left Cali shortly after the pictures were taken and could not be found. A warrant was issued for his arrest.

June 15, 2009, the National Puerto Rican Day Parade, my uncle Mike and his childhood buddy/best friend the record producer were outside of central park watching the parade. Mike and several of their friends had warned the record producer about the can of beer he was holding just before the police officer had approached them. In NY the consumption of Alcohol on city streets is illegal. Usually you’ll get a warning but if the cop is in a cranky mood, over zealous, or in need of filling their ticket quota you’ll be issued a summons and have to pay a fine.


The record producer didn’t want to hear the lecture the cop was giving him,"Just give me the fucking ticket and bounce.” He’d said to the officer. Until that moment the cop had been content just to lecture and wasn’t intending to issue a ticket at all but now that the producer had dissed him he had to give the guy an equally hard time. He ran the producer's name through the system for warrants. Until the cops slapped the cuffs on him the producer hadn’t known he had a warrant for his arrest much less a federal warrant. I bet he would’ve been a hell of a lot nicer to that cop if he had. “I’ve lived in the same fucking building all my life it wasn’t like I was hiding!” he argued as the cops put him in the back of their squad car. Last we heard Homeland security was questioning the producer. Call me messed up but that I found that funny.

Labels: wtf moments

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Posted by @ 9:33 AM
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Tuesday, June 09, 2009

A Moment Straight Out of A Movie

It was a moment straight out of a movie; seriously Hollywood couldn’t have done it better. I only wish I had my camera there to document it and even then I’m pretty sure still life photography wouldn’t have done it justice. A camcorder was definitely called for.

It was 10 pm and my friends and I were chilling at a small park in Greenwich Village. After several days of rain that would’ve sent Noah scurrying for his tool box New York had been granted a brief reprieve. The park was filled with people eager to shake off their cabin fever. It was comfortably warm night and a slight breeze carried the smell of spring in the park. You know the smell the smell of flowers blooming, rain soaked grass, and stuff that makes us allergy sufferers go ‘achoo’ but still it’s a wonderful scent. The air was also filled with the sounds of music generated by several musicians scattered around the park.

The topic of conversation as we stood about a foot away from a guitarist taking a break had been President Obama’s speech in Cairo. Even the one non- fan of Islam among us had to admit that it was a freaking awesome speech. We all agreed that for the first time in 8 years we all felt confident in the direction this country was moving in. I added my own personal hope that one day this world would look beyond religion, race, etc. and just come together as one. One of my friends playfully hugged me, “Always the dreamer Mia.” She’d said. “You never know man dreams can come true.” I replied. Then as if on cue the musician looked dead at me and began hitting some familiar chords on his guitar. My eyes opened wide as I recognized Come Together by The Beatles. I beamed at him and began singing in the smallest of voices as I swayed to the music. After several more chords the other musicians walked over and began jamming with him. Pretty soon a crowd had gathered to watch and spontaneously supplied the lyrics. Several thoughts crossed my mind at that moment:

1) I need to get back into the habit of carrying my camera with me at all times.

2) My friends really need to expand their musical history education beyond Tupac and Biggie. They couldn’t believe I knew the lyrics to the song. More importantly I had no clue as to how I knew the lyrics to the entire song though I suspected that my mom strapping headphones onto her belly for the entire 6 months she was pregnant with me had something to do with it.

3) Music is totally the ultimate unifier of people. There we were a crowd of at least 70 people of different colors, races, religions, and sexual orientations singing together to a song released in 1969 way before the majority of them had been born. Moments like that give me hope for the future and reinforces my faith in the human race. Maybe it should be mandatory for each head of state to play an instrument and several times a year they should get together at the UN and jam before discussing politics. I think the world would be a better place.

When the song was over the impromptu band decided to stick together and play some more Beatle’s tunes. As the third song ended my friends and I reluctantly decided it was time to leave. We all had to get up extra early in the morning. I approached the guitarist that had started the musical jam and dropped a few bucks into his case. He smiled and pointed at me and launched into I Saw Her Standing There.

As my friends and I walked out of the park with the echo of the still singing crowd ringing in our ears I couldn’t help but look around for camera and sound equipment. The whole thing had just been too perfect. I was certain that we were seconds away from being yelled at for trespassing on a movie set.

Labels: new york

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Sunday, June 07, 2009

I Like Taking Pictures

If you'd like to see more of my photos please click here

Labels: about me, hobbies

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Saturday, June 06, 2009

I Miss My Aunt

I woke up slowly Monday morning to an obscene amount of sunshine cascading through my window onto my bed. The music that had served as background in my dreams gently grew faint as I rolled onto my back. By the time I opened my eyes the music was gone. Then it hit me an aching empty feeling in my chest.My hand flew to my chest and I sat up in my bed. I quickly realized that the ache wasn’t due to anything physical it was emotional. I had dreamt of her, my aunt Nora. The feeling had been building up for months but that morning it was intense so much I felt my eyes stinging with tears. I missed my aunt Nora.


My aunt moved back to Egypt last September and until that day I hadn’t realized how much it hurt to miss the living. Later on that evening I stopped by the Halal vendor near my house for some take out. Their cooking reminds me of Nora’s, it’s not as good but when the heart is longing for someone who is over five thousand miles away it has to suffice. As I waited on my food the owner noticed I wasn't giving him the usual dose of banter that makes him laugh. I wasn’t up to it. “Gamila,” he softly said, “your eyes they hold such sadness.” He handed me a can of my favorite soda and instructed me to drink. “I do not like to see you sad. Smile for me habiti.” I gave him my best fake smile and he laughed. “No, that is not real smiling your eyes they do not shine like always.” I shrugged my shoulders; I could only fake the funk but so much.

Once I got home I found that I didn't even want the meal I’d purchased, it wasn’t the same. I placed it on the counter knowing that one of my bottomless pit siblings would soon come along and claim the white take-out container. You know it’s not only her cooking that I miss. I miss her. I miss her silliness and her laughter. Most of all I miss the way her face would light up whenever I entered her house. “My baby is home!” she’d call out as soon as I came in and hold out her arms for me to step into. I miss the way she hugged me as if she was trying to convey all that she felt for me in one single hug. I even miss her thwacking me on the head whenever I mispronounced a word during my Arabic lessons. I miss my Aunt Nora.

Labels: Nora

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Friday, May 29, 2009

Commercial Break

My cell phone rang, it was my friend Ursula. It had been a couple of weeks since I’d seen her.

Me: Hey Ursula, what’s up?

Ursula: Listen, I’m not really in the mood to talk I’m watching this TV program.

Me: Oookay

Ursula: Next thing you know we’ll be blah blah blah and we’re yammering away on the phone all night and like I said I’m watching this program and don’t want to miss any of it.

Me: Uh huh

Ursula: So let’s cut to the chase…when am I going to see you? When are we going to hang out?

Me: Tomorrow?

Ursula: Ok, I’ll call you tomorrow morning to get the details. I might bring my boyfriend.

Me: Okay

Ursula: Bye

Me: Uh bye

When the call was over I stared at the phone for several seconds and broke out chuckling when I realized I had been a commercial break. Hopefully she multi-tasked and got herself a snack while she was on the phone.

Labels: friends, wtf moments

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Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Will The Graduates Please Stand?

At some point today,” Will the Graduates please stand?” will be heard echoing from the podium on my campus and the class of 2009 will rise as one.


To the class of 2009 I dedicate a quote by Thoreau, “Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined.” I’d also like to remind my graduating class to that it is our privilege to advocate for those who are unable to help themselves and that sometimes you have to risk your emotions in order to help. I hope that as you make your way into the real world you'll always remember that. I hope you'll remember what drew you to this profession and that you'll always be in love with it. Above all I hope you'll make a positive impact in this world.

Labels: education, graduation

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Saturday, May 23, 2009

Three Colorful Balloons

It was a Disney day, the pale blue sky was dotted with perfectly shaped clouds and birds were tweeting. Somehow because it was a Disney day and I was basking in the early morning sunshine on the train platform the wait for the metro-north during rush hour wasn’t so bad. Maybe it was something about the contented look on my face that had attracted his attention. Of course I was content! I’d had a great weekend and the absolute final paper of my life as an undergrad was secured in my book bag and the end of the school semester was a day away. Life was good!

I felt it before I saw it. I looked up. If it’s at all possible for a stare to have some weight on it then his stare was obese. From several feet away he stared. I looked to either side of me and then behind me. He was staring at me and I wasn’t ready for it, honestly I wasn’t.

I was being stared down at by a man in a clown suit and clown makeup as he held onto three brightly colored balloons. It was a Coulrophobic’s worse nightmare come true. My beloved Jackie with her fear of clowns would’ve pissed on herself. The commuters did their best not to stare at him; instead they stole sideway glances at him. I cursed the fact that I’d left my camera at home. I studied him from the top of his red curly wig to the shiny tip of his red leather clown shoes. I had to smile. He didn’t smile back he just continued to stare. He was giving me the creeps. I text messaged my supervisor at Legal Aid just in case …


Me: If I don’t come in to work today a man in a clown suit and make up kidnapped me while I was waiting for the metro north.

She: LMAO. I’m glad you’re coming in today I missed you.

Me: That’s sweet. I’m dead ass serious btw

She: Okay, can u tell what race / color? I’m thinking green, purple, or orange.

Me: He has a red 'fro with make-up like Ronald Mc Donald. God, this is like Stephen King's "It".

She: What does he want?

Me: I don’t know. He keeps staring at me and he’s holding 3 balloons.

She: Maybe he’s trying to figure out if you’re a kid or an adult so he can give one of them.

Me: Screw you.

My train pulled into the station and I lost him in the surge of commuters. Several minutes later I felt it again. The stare. I looked up and he was sitting across the aisle from me. He was still staring at me, still holding the balloons and he was still creeping me out. He stared at me during the entire 15 minute train ride. Finally my stop came up and I got off the train. As it pulled away I watched as he ducked his around the three colorful balloons and watched me walk down the platform.

Labels: Embarassing Moments, subway stories

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Posted by @ 10:45 AM
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Wednesday, May 20, 2009

MacHalo Tour, Imagine

I’m a fan of a book series called “The Fever Series” by Karen Marie Moning. I joined the author’s message board and ended up catching the fever. I've even designed a couple of things for their zazzle site. See picture here and here.

The MacHalo, a prop from the last book is making a tour of the United States and abroad. It’s currently in NYC in my care and I’ve been walking around with my fellow Moning Maniacs taking pictures of the modified pink helmet. Last night I was at the John Lennon memorial in Central Park with some friends shooting some photos and renewed my membership in the Smart Ass Club of America.




As soon as I put the MacHalo down on the ground it attracted several tourists. My friend quickly explained about the MacHalo while I continued to take pictures. Pretty soon I was joined by other people taking pictures. They were under the impression that the MacHalo was part of the display.

I had packed up my camera and handed it to my friend when a young woman approached me,“I don’t get it.” She said as she stared at the MacHalo.

Those of you who know me in real life or via my blog already know that I have a twisted sense of humor and my mouth is pretty fast. Unfortunately the general public doesn’t realize this about me. That coupled with my dead pan delivery tends to make for some pretty funny situations.

I could’ve explained yet again to the female about the MacHalo being a prop from a comedic moment in the book but we’d already tried that and she didn’t seem to be able to wrap her head around it. What’s a smart ass female to do? I glanced over at my friends and shrugged. No way in hell could I pass this chance up! My friends nodded their heads at me in encouragement.

“The lights are symbolic of the souls that have been sacrificed in wars all over the world. It’s symbolic of how when even one life is lost a light goes out in universe. You know a soul with the potential to do good and make a difference in the world is gone.” I said.

The girl stared at me and then back at the MacHalo as if she were in awe. I decided to continue. “Imagine if these souls were still with us. Imagine all they could’ve accomplished and how the world would’ve been a brighter place just by them being here.”

A couple of people had wandered over during my speech and nodded their heads in agreement. I decided to go out balls to the wall. I swept my hand out towards the crowd and then the MacHalo.

“You may say that I’m a dreamer but I’m not the only one, I hope some day you’ll join us and the world will be as one. “ I said and pointed to the MacHalo.

My friends joined me in a reverent head bow and next thing you know the tourists went into a picture taking frenzy. When they were done I retrieved the MacHalo and walked out of the park without a word. They were none the wiser and my friends were snickering away.

Labels: books, machalo, new york, smartass

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Friday, May 15, 2009

The Omnipotent Ones Were Just Waiting For Me To Let Down My Guard

For years my friends have teased me about how the oddest things always seem to happen when I’m around. We’ve been locked inside of an out door running track... stalked by an ankle humping Chihuahua... chased through the subways by a gang of angry looking ASL signing deaf mutes... followed by a giant Kotex with wings all over the village on Halloween. Lately things have been quiet. I thought that perhaps the pantheon of mischievous gods who’ve enjoyed messing with me felt I was no longer worthy of their attention. I was wrong. The omnipotent ones were just waiting for me to let down my guard.


As I walked past the man I heard him say something to me. Despite my headphones I’d heard him and I was knew he was talking to me because he was looking dead at me. I removed my headphones and he repeated what he’d said. Holy Monkey! At that exact moment one of my friends decided to text me.

She: What u doing?

Me: feels very disturbed with the vulgar message a looney told her while she passed by.

She: So now you’ve got my interest...lol what was the message?


Me: Let's just say it has something to do with licking a certain lady part lmao

She: Oh wow... what the hell? I'm sure u provoked it lmao j/k

Me: What? I had my headphones on I was like did I just hear right?
Riverdale is full of crazy people!!!!
Ughhh oh yea and while I'm waiting for the bus, dude lifts up his shirt rubs his belly meanwhile his fly was wide open!!!
I was like what the hell? Lol
I couldn't move anywhere I was at the damn bus stop! Lol

She: Lmao... sounds like u need some mace lol.
I see u haven't lost ur knack to attract the nutcases lol

Me: Please you take the cake!!
Remember that homeless guy with the bongos?
" IIIIII love you perup-pa-pa-pommmmm!!" Lmao

She: Naw that was the combination of the 3 of us lol

Me: Yea I loved how u left us behind! Lol

She: I just sped up, ur so dramatic lol

Labels: Embarassing Moments, friends, new york

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Wednesday, May 13, 2009

XO...XO..Clark Kent

My eyes swept around the court room I was excited to be there. It was my first time in court as a forensic social worker and I got to sit in the lawyers section. Since court hadn’t began yet the court room was buzzing with conversation. Several feet in front of me a lawyer stood busily texting away on his blackberry. He glanced up at me realized I was on the job and smiled turning his attention back to his texting.

He was tall and dark haired, with a broad chest, strong square, flattering wire rimmed glasses perched on an aquiline nose, slight cleft in his chin, and bore an uncanny resemblance to Clark Kent. His resemblance to the fictional comic book character didn’t go unnoticed by my official unoffical supervisor.


Whatever he was texting seemed intense given the look on his face as he read his messages and responded. I nudged my official unofficial supervisor and began narrating Clark Kent’s messages. Well at least what I imagined him to be texting …

“Batman, my bad didn’t see bat signal from here.
No windows in court room.
X0 X0, Clark Kent”

My official unofficial supervisor giggled softly. Clark Kent frowned when Batman responded. He looked around and pounded the keys on his blackberry…

“Can’t save world, stuck in court.
No telephone booth to change in.
X0 X0, Clark Kent”


The next message came in quickly and Clark Kent seemed frustrated. I continued my narration with my official unofficial supervisor’s encouragement...


“Call Super Girl she owes me one.
You da’ man.
X0 X0, Clark Kent”

My official unofficial supervisor snorted. Her hand flew to her mouth in an attempt to stifle her laughter. “X0, X0, Clark Kent!” she snickered from behind her hand.

The next message came and Clark Kent paused for a minute seeming to think about his response before he responded…

“Wonder woman; don’t bother to send invisible jet no parking here. I’ll cab it when I’m done. BTW can I borrow your magic lasso for my date with Lois Lane tonite?
X0… X0, Clark Kent”

My official unofficial supervisor let loose an attention grabbing peal of laughter. When she turned to look at me she had tears in her eyes and was holding her side. “Stop Mia stop!” she gasped. “I can’t take no more…X0 X0… Clark Kent!” One of the court officers had been watching us and approached us…

“You ladies having a good time?” he said with a smile on his face.

“X0… X0, Clark Kent!” My official unofficial supervisor blurted out as she leaned into me.

I patted her back with a perfectly straight face which seemed to send her over the edge even more.

“There, there, woman calm yourself…X…0…X…0… Clark Kent.” I said just as the judge entered the court room.

Labels: clark kent, court room, internship, legal aid, text messaging

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Saturday, May 09, 2009

You Live and Learn

“Yeah I broke his window, keyed his fucking car too…”
The female was talking loud. Hell she didn’t really need a phone all she had to do was open the bus window and the conversation could’ve been heard in the next borough. I was trying to concentrate on the book I was reading but with her yammering several inches away from my ear it wasn’t happening. Exasperated I looked out the window to see how far away I was from my stop and caught her eye as she hung up her phone. That was all she needed.


“ Mira, mira tu” she said in her badly accented Spanish looking at me.

“Can I ask you a question?” she asked.

“Knock yourself out.” I replied

“Check this out right…I just found out my man was playing me.”

“ That bastard.”

“Yeah right?”

“So what did you want to ask me?” I replied.

“His cousin is barking on me cause I tore up his car.”

“Wow.”

“I’m saying I keyed it and broke his windows too.”

“So I heard.” along with everybody else in the 5 boroughs

She nodded her head. Curiosity got the better of me.

“What kind of car was it?” I asked.

“A Bentley Continental Flying Spur... 2009”

I winced and said, “Ouch.”

She smiled at my reaction…it’s a twisted world we live in folks when innocent cars are made to pay for their owners sins.

“I paid him back for breaking my heart.” She said.

“True that.”

“I’m saying you know and eye for an eye. Now he talking about pressing charges against me.”

“Well there ya go. Every action has a consequence. He broke your heart, you killed his car. It all evens out in the end.”


The fact that I was saying all of this with a straight face seemed to cheer her up. No way in hell was I telling this psycho she was in any way wrong.

“Can I get an amen sister?” she said and laughed

“Amen, amen, praise be Jesus.” I replied.

“Still I can’t front I love the man.” She said.

“Uh look I hate to be the one to break the news to you but I doubt there’s going to be any make-up sex after this.”

“Yeah I’m sure you’re right but he gonna think twice before he play the next female dirty.”

The female had a point and I had to concede it. Hell if I were him I wouldn’t even let the next female know I owned a skateboard much less a car. You live and learn.

Labels: bus stories

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Wednesday, May 06, 2009

And You Will Always Be My Bitch

For months we’d been inseparable. Our friendship had been forged with pre-dawn conversations, desert romps, and more booze than my liver cared to recall. Prone to laughing at my antics he encouraged them no matter how much his older brother, my Aunt Nora’s husband scowled. Attend an official city hall function hung over and rocking outrageously loud pajama pants? Of course you should he’d responded equally hung over as he handed me a pair of colorful socks.

He introduced me to hookahs and hashish and I introduced him to alternative rock and salsa dancing. He held out his hand for one of my CD’s, “Give to me the crazy music Mia” he said late one night as we hit 90 on a stretch of deserted road somewhere in between Cairo and Alexandria. He cranked NIN’s Closer to an obscene decibel and smiled at me, “Habibti You’re my best friend!” he had yelled into the night. “And you’re my bitch!” I’d yelled back. I knew then that we’d be friends for life

Fast forward two years later April 2008; our friendship is tighter than ever. Due to our conflicting schedules it had been months since we’d seen each other. He’d left me a voice mail, “I miss you. I really need to see you“ and this is how I found myself sitting in a restaurant exchanging Christmas presents in April. He laughed when he read the inscription below his name on the Zippo lighter I’d gotten him. 'Salaam (peace) Homie' it read. “I will only use this lighter from now on” he vowed as I snapped a picture of him with the new digital camera he’d gotten me.

“Habibti (my beloved) I want to marry you.” he announced.
He caught me off guard with his proposal. My eyes darted around the room wondering who the hell he was talking to. He inclined his head towards me making it clear I was the one he was talking to and about.

My eyes narrowed, focusing on the folded napkin in front of me, “Did I miss something?” I asked.

“You’re my best friend; you know I’ve always said this…and I love you this you know as well.” He replied.

I cleared my throat, uh no I didn’t. Well maybe I did but I never thought he was serious. I nodded my head and watched as he lit his cigarette.You know now would be a good time to pick up the habit I thought to myself.

I decided to play it cool, “I have friends who think you’re hot, I could hook you up.”

He smiled and shook his head, “Your friends think I’m hot?”

I nodded my head. His entire body shook from his deep laughter. When he finally stopped he gently grabbed my chin and brought my line of vision to his face a gentle smile crossing his face, “I want YOU not your friends.”

“ Holy monkey.” I leaned back in my chair and gave him the ill look. What woman doesn’t long to hear words like that? It was a damn shame they were wasted on me.

“Would it be so bad to be with me? You know I would give you everything, the moon and stars if you asked.”

“Dude, why would you even want to go there? You know I have a boyfriend.”

“Why not? You’re like an angel to me and you drive me crazy. ”

“And you’re like a brother to me.”

He picked up my hand running a finger along the sapphire and diamond ring he’d given me several years before. He looked into my eyes, unable to find what he was looking for within them he dropped my hand and nodded his head in acceptance.The waitress arrived with our food. He picked up mini puff pastry spinach thingy. He attempted to feed me and I backed up. Now that I knew how he thought he felt having him feed me was too intimate.

I narrow my eyes and wrinkled my nose, “I can feed myself.”

He sighed in response, “It’s never bothered you that I’ve fed you from my hand before.”

“Yeah but…”

He waved the pastry in front of my lips, “Open for me. It’s your favorite.” I crossed my eyes at him and he laughed as I opened my mouth to accept the pastry.

“So what’s secondly?” he said as he grabbed my hand.

“What?” I asked when I was done swallowing and pulled my hand away.

He smiled and took my hand back, “Habibti you said first of all and where ever there is a first of all a secondly follows.”

“Can’t we just drop this subject?” I asked.

“No because I’m wondering what the secondly is about.

“Ay fine.” I had to stop and think for a minute as to how to phrase what I wanted to say without hurting him.

“I’m just a substitute for the one you really want.”

He opened his mouth to protest but I held my finger up gesturing for silence.He’d been in love when we’d met. He’d dated her on the sneak all through college but his mother hadn’t approved of the girl. His mother however had approved of me. She’d been crazy about me ever since she’d met me as an eight year old. “Fight for your love, fight for your woman! Screw what your mother wants!” I’d snapped at him the night his family had decided he would not be marrying the girl.

“Besides I am not your type you said so yourself.”

“What, When the hell did I say this?” he asked.

I sighed and took him back down memory lane.

“When we met, you looked at my piercings, my tats and said, “you’re a crazy girl, I could never be with someone like you.” I said. He laughed at my dead on imitation of his Arab accent.

“I never said that!”

“Yes you did. Ask your brother. ”

”Was I drunk?”

I laughed, “Nope. You were sober as a mosque mouse.”

“And I said that?”

“Yes.”

He sat quietly for a few seconds obviously going over our first meeting. I could see the hamster in his head turning the wheel.

“You have a black heart!” he exclaimed.

I nearly choked on my soda, “Huh?! What the hell, I thought I was an angel?”

“Yes you are but you have a black heart for holding that remark against me. I was an idiot.”

He shifted uncomfortably in his seat and leaned his head towards me as if he were telling me a secret,“Is that why you never allowed me to kiss you?”

“Honestly ?”

“Yes, always truth between us.”

“I never saw you that way. You’re my aunt’s brother-in-law. You’re like family.”

“You know Mira was right, she said you’d break my heart” he responded.

Okay that shocked me. “When was this?”

“Remember the night you wore that black top?”

Ah yes the infamous black satin top. You would’ve sworn that I was walking around topless from his reaction. The top was a sleeveless v-neck number, nothing none of our female friends and at least two of the gay guys wouldn’t have worn. That night was the first time he’d seen me dressed up and wearing make-up. I recalled the teasing his reaction had drawn from our friends. His jaw had dropped and he’d stared…really stared. I remember wanting to punch him in the face especially when he growled at me to cover myself up and buttoned me up to my neck in his suit jacket despite my loud and colorful protests.

I smiled at him and shrugged my shoulders. He looked hurt, but I pressed my case. I argued that what he was feeling for me a result of loneliness and it was not love. Not to mention his family accepted me and nothing would please them more than to see us married. I was an easy way out for him. I made a proposal. I’d work on his mother and he’d call the girl and kiss major ass in order to get her back into his life and this time he’d man up and stand up to his family. He seemed hesitant to go along with my plan but I refused to give up. When I was done I sat back in my chair feeling really pleased with myself.

He shook his head and stared at me for a second. I fluttered my eyelashes at him playfully and he smiled at me.

“So about this boyfriend, do you love him habibti?”

“Yes.”

“Really?"

“Dead ass.”

“So I’ve lost you huh?”

“You never had me in that way. You’ve always had my platonic love, respect, and friendship.”

He leaned back in his chair and folded his arms across his broad chest and just stared at me and then a smile slowly crept along his face.I returned it with a big cheesy grin of my own.

“So how about it, are we still friends?” I held my hand out to him he looked at it for a second before taking it and placing a kiss in my palm.

“Best friends. I’m not going to stop calling you Habibti you know this, yes?”

I laughed, “and I’ll never stop calling you my bitch.”

April 2009:
My plan worked. He’d married in January and had just returned from a three month honey moon. Once again we were exchanging Christmas gifts. He’d gotten me a hyper zoom lens for my camera. I was one ecstatic Mia. He pulled me onto this lap and wrapped his arms around me hugging me tightly.

“I love you Habibti.” He said. “Tell me you love me.”

“Like trailer trash loves deep fried Twinkies” I said.

He laughed and kissed my nose.

“Thank you.”

“No prob.” I said stood up and took another seat.

“I am going to be a father.” He announced as he stood up and sat on my lap. I let out a grunt. Dude was heavy. His wife had conceived during their honeymoon. The urine wasn’t even dry on the EPT stick when my Aunt Nora had called me with the news from Egypt.

“I know.”

“You did?”

I nodded my head, “They called me.” I pushed him off my lap, he was cutting the circulation off my legs.

“If it is a girl we’re naming her after you.” He said.

I jumped up out of my seat in excitement.“ I am so going to spoil that kid!”

He pulled me towards him. I put my hands out to stop him.

“Are you going to hug me again?”

“Yes Habibti.”

“Hold up let me at least pop a birth control pill before you do. I’m not taking chances with you. You’re like a fertile myrtle right now!”

He threw his head back and laughed yanking me into his arms hugging me tightly dropping a kiss on top of my head.

“ You give me so much joy. You will always be my Habibti.”

“and you will always be my bitch.”I mumbled against his chest.

Labels: friends

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Monday, April 27, 2009

Miss Beverly Rides Again

Our neighbor Miss Beverly, a wheel chair bound woman prone to popping wheelies when tipsy, had gotten bagged by the cops. She'd been drunkenly chasing squirrels on her way home from a friend's barbeque. In lieu of a summons the cops decided to impound her motorized wheel chair over night. Since her son was stuck in mid-town traffic my uncle volunteered to fetch Miss Beverly back home from the precinct.


My uncle was met by Miss Beverly’s nephew when he parked in front of our building. After hearing about her latest antic the nephew reached into the SUV for Miss Beverly and attempted to lecture her. It was no use though he couldn’t keep a straight face. As he adjusted her in his arms he sniffed the air and frowned.

“Aunt Beverly did you pee on yourself?” he said as he walked into the lobby.

Miss Beverly cackled and nodded her head. “Sure as hell did!”

Her nephew was outraged thinking that she'd been the victim of neglect while at the precinct. Miss Beverly quickly assured him that that had not been the case.

“I wet myself on purpose.” She proudly exclaimed.

“Why would you do that?” her nephew asked.

“Well, nephew," she said looking up at him, "when they couldn’t get a hold of my son they was talking about locking me up in a cell with them other prisoners.”

“And?”

“I watch television; I know what those prisoners do to new inmates!”

Her nephew stared at Miss Beverly with a look of utter confusion on his face. Miss Beverly let out an exasperated sigh.

“Think boy, think! I made water so none of them would want to come near me!” she said and rolled her eyes as if he should’ve known this.

Labels: new york

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